First experience with a Keyholder - My Thoughts

[gumby]

So, almost two days ago I began my first Carlilock session in which I put myself at the mercy of a keyholder instead of setting my own options.  While I provided the basic parameters of the session, that was my only input.  Given that this session could potentially last as long as 7 weeks, I wanted a place to record my thoughts and emotions as time went by.

So, this is my entry for day 2.

I can't believe how helpless this makes me feel.  I've been locked by Carlilock before, but there was always the keyword option if I got really desperate, and I knew how long my maximum duration was, so there was always that comforting thought in the back of my mind.  This time, there's neither of those.  I don't want to have to ask for the keyword, because I don't want to fail that way.  So instead I watch with a heavy heart as people keep voting my time up, in four hour blocks.  Doing math in my head.  30 votes * 4 hours (if they all voted up, which everyone on Carlilock seems to do) means 5 days added already, and I'm only on day two.  Pushing me further toward that maximum duration that I don't know.  I don't dare to click on the "view remaining time" link, or to lower the number of hours for member votes, because I specifically asked for harsh penalties, and I don't want to be up to my maximum duration before I'm even out of the first week.

As always in the first couple of days after lockup, I'm ridiculously aroused.  I want this belt off, and I want to cum, but that's not going to happen.  I need to resign myself to the fact.  I need to stop even thinking about it.  Easier said than done, though.

[gumby]

Day 3:

My masochistic tendencies kicked in today, and I spent a good 45 minutes watching porn.  The only notable effect of which was to leave me so desperate that I was humping the bed in a frantic effort to get myself off.  It accomplished nothing, of course, and a quick visit to Carlilock to count the member votes only left me more depressed.  I'm anxious to get the first week out of the way, because I think it'll get easier.  I'll stop checking all the time, and hopefully stop torturing myself.  Having a keyholder has really changed this experience for me.

Anyway, that's my day 3 thoughts.  Boring, but it's all I've got right now. :)

[sissydani92]

It's always a scary experience going into chastity with a key holder. No matter how much (or how little) trust you have beforehand, it never seems to be enough as you're locking yourself in. I'm personally experiencing my first sentence with a new key holder, and have been locked since November. She's given me an opportunity for release soon, but it's up to me on how long it takes to complete the task she gave. I actually trust her enough to hold my keys again, knowing that it could be for longer next time.

I'm also a member of Carlilock (wilduntamed92) and have actually voted your time down a few times. I did this after learning you were a female from the other thread. Despite being locked in chastity, you are still superior in my view. Without getting into all the details of that, I'll just say that I try to help out the women on there as much as possible with my votes.

Please don't think of this as a ploy to get my own time voted down. I'd actually be honored if you did the opposite, in all honesty. Hopefully the voting won't sway my key holder's decision that much. I just wanted you to know that not everyone votes up. lol

I am eager to learn more about your experiences though. Not too many women share their experiences in chastity. It's always nice to see the other side of things.

Dani

[restricted]

How do we join and vote?

[gumby]

Yeah, that moment when you snap the lock shut and realize that you've committed 100% to this is a bit of a stomach-churning one, no matter how much you've been looking forward to it.  Since November...I don't know if I'll ever work myself up to being locked for that long, but I guess we'll see as time goes by. :)

Well, I appreciate that - both the votes and the knowledge that not everyone votes up.  Lol.  I'll certainly drop by and vote for you, as well. :)

I don't know that I'll have any earth-shattering revelations, this diary is for my own edification as much as anything, but I hope it's an interesting read. :)

And restricted - you'll need to make an account on carlilock.com to vote. :)
gumby2012-03-12 09:53:01

[gumby]

Day 5:

I think I'm getting over the worst of the first week now.  I woke up this morning trying to touch myself in my sleep, which of course was doing exactly nothing, but I'm not quite as desperate as I was a couple of days ago.  I'm strongly considering adding a chastity bra for my next session after this one, because I do find that I pay a little bit too much attention to my breasts when I'm locked up, but I have to carefully consider whether it would be properly hidden under my work clothes.  I'm not about to advertise my hobbies to everyone at work, after all.  It's something to consider, at least.

I've avoided trying to check my remaining time so far, which I'm sort of proud of.  Part of it is the knowledge that the penalty would be harsh, but part of it is that I really don't want to know.  It's going to be a while, I know that much, so why keep obsessively clock-watching?  It won't help anything.

[gumby]

Day 6:

Fuck, I hate how well this belt is designed.

That's all for today.  I'm really, really frustrated.

[gumby]

Day 7:

After a discussion with my keyholder, I am now subject to two further requirements.  Firstly, that I complete a Fond of Writing task at their discretion.  If I am sent a task, I have 24 hours to complete it and submit the report the program generates, or my maximum duration will be extended.  The second is that I must continue to post my experiences here daily, or face the consequences.

Today's not a bad day, in terms of frustration.  At least until I fired up Fond of Writing and began to type.  Then knowing the pressure to get the words right, combined with the knowledge of the consquences if I didn't complete my task, suddenly had me aching.  The second I had the report emailed to my keyholder, I had my hand between my legs - because it seems like no matter how hard my brain tries to communicate that it's not going to do any good, the instinct is still there.  And all it does is leave me more frustrated that it didn't work.

I've still yet to try and check my remaining time on Carlilock.  It's a small victory, but one that I'll take.

[sissydani92]

I always thought Fond of Writing was a waste of time. I mean it's a great means to know where your sub is and what they're doing, but it's senseless otherwise. Some people swear by it, thinking it's a great tool to use, but I see it overused.

There's a lot more things that can be done that are more productive than typing a sentence over and over. For one example, you could have the sub actually write a story or fantasy they'd like to explore. The Dom/me gets to know the sub better that way, and it's more constructive than typing "I won't wank like Bart Simpson." 200 times on the chalkboard.

Good punishment tool? Maybe. Good teaching tool? Not really. Productive or enlightening? Not at all.

That's just my opinion. To each their own I guess. Just seems like busy work, when grander things could be accomplished. It's nice to know you'll be continuing the updates though.

Dani

[gumby]

I actually quite like it, personally.  It's an interesting psychological test, knowing that I'm essentially bound to the computer for as long as it takes me to finish the task I've been given.  But as you say, to each their own.

In any case, Day 8:

Finally, I think, over the hump - if you'll pardon the expression.  Past the point where the belt is something I notice, and to the point where it's simply a fact.  It's there, it's a part of me.  And while I certainly know it's there when I, say, go to the bathroom, it's not as obtrusive as it was during the first week when it was all I could think about.  It's not like I'm going to forget I'm in chastity, but at least if I'm not thinking about it all the time then that's a win. 

[seidenki]

 [quote="sissydani92"]Good punishment tool? Maybe. Good teaching tool? Not really. Productive or enlightening? Not at all. [/quote]That's the exact point of FoW: it's make-work just to keep them occupied and frustrated.It's possible for a FoW task to be insanely difficult.Sei.

[restricted]

I'd write "I love my chastity belt" or whatever, once and copy it 1000 times.  Surely it would be best to selct a couple of pages from a book and get the person to copy that.  Or to save infringing copyright, set some difficult maths questions.

[gumby]

You can't copy/paste into FoW, that would defeat the purpose.  Also, the report the program generates when you're done your task includes how long it took and how many mistakes you made.  It's highly unlikely that anyone could type that many lines without mistakes, so your keyholder could be pretty certain that you'd cheated.

[sissydani92]

[quote="seidenki"]That's the exact point of FoW: it's make-work just to keep them occupied and frustrated.It's possible for a FoW task to be insanely difficult.Sei.[/quote]

I know what it is, silly. :P Difficulty is beside the point. I'm saying it's a waste of time altogether. Time you never get back. Not to mention the reports are usually trashed once the Dom/me sees them. You might as well spend the time making toilet paper. It may still be flushed down the toilet in the end, but at least you made something useful for the time being.

There are other ways to keep someone occupied and/or frustrated. I think it's odd that people treat FoW like it's the Holy Grail or something. Every forum you look at, there will be 3 people defending it to every 1 that says it's not that great. I'm not saying that's anyone here, but honestly, think of all the constructive things you could be doing with your time. Some people even use it without a Master/Mistress! Don't they have anything better to do? Just saying...

Dani

[Sylli]

I really don't think its a matter of "Having anything better to do" or "A waste of time altogether".
For two very clear reasons. One is that it's really not up to anyone to decide for someone else if what they do is a waste of their time. What are you, their owner? ;)
But secondly, and this is the important reason. It's a very slippery argument to make, especially in these circumstances. Because, it really does apply to anything. Just as short example, (read hyperbole), the 45 seconds I spend reading your post was time i'll never get back. ;) Or... the 8 days (9 now) Gumby spend in chastity is 9 days of sex with me she'll never get back ;)
My point is, you might not agree with the way people spend their time, but that's just the point, it's their time!

Dear Gumby made it very clear that she's learning, struggling and lately, accepting that the belt is in place, whatever she needed to do to get to that point really doesn't matter. Certainly doesn't matter to me. When I needed to adjust to wearing my CB, I spend of lot of that time throwing myself at any task giving if only to distract myself from what i've done :D (read, lock the CB)

Anyway, not saying what you posted is wrong or anything in that direction, just... careful what arguments you use, especially is you use them to judge others. It's her time and FoW worked for her, then all I can really say is "Go team Gumby!" :P

Sylli2012-03-16 03:37:20

[restricted]

Never having used FoW, I woudn't know what you can or can't do. Nor would I want to. It sounds a slightly less nasty version of the Nazi "Freedom through work" regime.

 

Besides, if you have the key anyway, what's to stop you slipping the belt off when the computer is not switched on? 

[sissydani92]

No disrespect, Sylli, but there is a broad difference here. You read my post to see what I posted, making it possible for you to then respond. Reading it was necessary (if you were going to respond) to learn my side of the argument. So it technically didn't waste your time, but rather it became a foundation for you to build your side upon. Otherwise, I could say you wasted your time responding, but then we're back to the whole slippery slope thing. If you didn't respond, then it would be a waste of time to read. All we're doing here is playing with semantics.

You could play it the other way, and say that someone actually "learns" from using FoW, but I think we all know better. What you're really learning is in the process. You're doing it because someone asked you to. What that's really teaching is how to obey. My argument, is that you can still teach someone to follow tasks, and make it a task that is productive for both parties in the end. FoW is busy work that's scrapped at the end of the day. It serves no other purpose other than being busy work. Ergo a waste of time in general.

However, I'm going to digress here, and leave it as an agree to disagree issue. Because we're doing nothing to contribute to the thread whilst we argue about it. I admit I started it, but I'm letting it drop. I'd rather not waste my time on it anymore, and get back to the purpose of this thread; which is learning how gumby copes with being locked.

Dani

[restricted]

Well said sissydani192. I'm more interested in gumby's diary. She has started something here,  but I'm glad it has caught interest.

[cagedsgt]

lines should hand written not typed so extra functions can get it done quick

 

this is a type of discipline and for some has as good effect as a good spanking

 

yet i agree the time for research to write a good essay that others might get something out of is a much better task

 

 

[gumby]

Given that the discussion has been tabled in favor of an agreement to disagree, I'm not going to stir the pot further by adding my thoughts.  I'm simply going to make two points: comparing anything to the Nazis is a pretty inflammatory thing to say (and also pretty much break's Godwin's Law in one stroke).  Also, no, I couldn't take the belt off.  The keys are in a lockbox that I don't have the combination to, and couldn't open without either breaking or putting in days worth of effort to try every combination.  If I could just take the belt off, this whole diary would be pretty pointless.

Anyway - back to topic.  Day 9.

I'm actually feeling kind of...serene today.  It's not like this feeling is going to last, I have no illusions about that.  I'm sure by the time the weekend is out I'll be cursing the damn belt again, but for the moment I'm actually at peace with the situation.  I don't think there's actually much more to say today, except that for at least part of the day I'm going to put a butt plug in and lock the rear shield on the belt, just to switch things up a little.  I love that the rear shield is keyed differently than the rest of the belt - very convienient. ;)